This is a true story of which I have placed in the context of fiction in my upcoming fantasy novel “A Labyrinth Of Dreams” due out on Barnes and Nobles website hopefully by early 2017…
NOTE: All names of those involved in this tale have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.
Well, I was 17 years old at the time, a spiritual seeker, rebellious hellion and an outright and obvious hippie. I spent my days skipping class either stoned on marijuana playing guitar and taking long walks through the woods conversing with nature and God, or staying on school grounds sneaking into dark nooks of the library to avoid the prying eyes of authority figures, studying subjects actually worth studying.
Yes, that’s right…
I would skip hours, sometimes entire days of school and actually stay in the building, tucked into a corner of the library pouring over books about Buddhism, Christianity, world religions and spirituality alike. Not unlike the young man in the never ending story, I started at a young age immersing myself in secret occult teachings that would one day lead me on grand adventures, some in reality, some within worlds inside my own head and a few that bridge the gap between both realms.
This particular journey was the most intense of the later kind of adventure mentioned above that I have ever had. Now don’t get me wrong, I had prepared for this experience for months. For about two years I had been experimenting with various psychedelics and entheogens, each projecting a plethora of both light and dark experiences and each having their own vast dynamics of psychonaughtics as is common with such inner journeying.
I was quite familiar with coming in contact with egregores, spirits and archetypes manifesting in audio/visual emanations, cloaked in intense other worldly fractal patterns, these two oddities of the psychedelic experience blending through synesthesia and causing me at once holy awe and at times, dark trepidation of various flavors that would have me bordering on insanity and/or ecstatic illumination.
What happened to me on that particular journey though is so far beyond any experience I have had thus far, that it will indeed be a bit complex for me to extrapolate in the words below just what happened. That being said, after years of analyzing and going over every lasting detail in conjunction with about 15 years of occult studies and about four years of magical practice…
I believe that I have finally figured out just what the fuck happened on that fateful day…
It was a somewhat gloomy afternoon in New England during the humid month of late august. The night before, my friend who we will call Mark (lest he provide me with permission to use his real name) and I had both taken one dose of some rather remarkable LSD. A single hit of this “spiderman” (the blotter having a rather convincing image of said superhero’s face imposed upon it) brought a rather wonderful and ecstatic sense of psychedelia, both in body and mind projecting visuals of fractal patterns and geometric shapes alike, seemingly embossed upon our very minds and also upon the surface of every physical object our eyes blanketed with attention.
Yes, the first foray with this particular devil was nothing short of all the beauty that a positive psychedelic experience should have. Psychological, spiritual, emotional and physical phenomenon bathed within the light of friendship and mutual intentions as Mark and I had been graced with the wonderful presence of some of my best friends of my teen years. The now famous Etienne Pierre Duguay and my lovely wife of sixteen years (my then girlfriend) had been in our company on the same level as Mark and I.
During those days it was rather customary for us to spend nights in the heights of marijuana and or more intense entheogenic substance’s grips while parading around one of the the premier “fancy” hotels of our community. Indeed the presence of a pool with a faux tropical plant garden, arcade, lake and miniature golf course had served my youth for years and yet, it was the beautiful psychedelic mindfuck of LSD that gave me the true appreciation of such a building, the most inspiring elements of said organization being the already overly psychedelic carpets strung throughout the entirety of the monolith. It is fair to say that Hunter S. Thompson would have been proud of me and my comrades gross disrespect and at the same time, sever reverence of this unintentional hall of psychonaughtic exploration.
In fact I still educate the strange idea of sending a “thank you” letter to the owner of said establishment to thank him/her for the wonderful carpeting as it so enhanced the intensity of our harmless psychedelic meandering within the hotels halls.
And so, the night previous to the insane day of psychedelic torment following, me and my friends wandered both literal and metaphoric temples, one dedicated to physical hospitality, the other dedicated to psychological equivalents.
And yet, all good things must pass…
As mentioned before, this one specific day, cast in the shadow of an enlightening foray into the blissful antithesis of the abyss, Mark and I found ourselves awakening to a new day. With only a trivial amount of sleep we awoke with a still beaming sense of joy from the night prior…
A slight yet palpable darkness greeted my waking eyes. It was of course, the realization that the skies had been filled with clouds rather than sun. A byproduct of our late afternoon awakening of course…
Now this seemingly lazy Sunday afternoon afoot, I was a bit unprepared for Mark’s suggestion as follows…
Lets just split the rest of it, suggested Mark. What, I asked? My initial response at once filled with fear and and also longing for such a ridiculous concept made manifest. Yeah man, let’s just split it and go out and about (is a fair paraphrase of the response I was given). My first reaction (at least within my own mind) no… and yet my mouth halfheartedly and fully invoking the pranksters ideal responding, “alright”.
We each dropped five hits, feeling the layers of the chemical melt off the paper in our mouths. Instantly I could tell this was going to be a serious trip and my initial feelings of trepidation while still present, began to fade.
As we waited to for the chemical to take hold and initiate us into another psychedelic journey, we decided to make our way across town to my friend Andrew’s parents apartment. Andrew and his parents being out of town that weekend provided a chance to hang out with his older brother Jeffery who had free reign of the place for the next week or so. So after a twenty minute walk, we found ourselves outside of the apartment.
Mark and I entered the apartment to find that my friend had some of his other friends over as well. As he was part of a subculture from Worcester, MA that involved a lot of influence from Hip Hop that emphasized casual sex, continual intoxication and a disregard for general moral values, I was not surprised to find them in a rather odd situation regarding AOL instant messenger (oh dear, I am dating myself here, aren’t I?).
One of Jeffery’s friends had convinced a girl that he was her boyfriend operating under a different AOL name and had said he was breaking up with her. This seemed to cause the girl great distress and my friends friends thought the situation was hilarious, especially as she became more and more desperate for a reason, begging for an explanation which as far as I know, was never given.
I am very much so an empath and I felt bad for the girl, in conjunction with the shity weather outside, the beginning phase of the trip was feeling murky and a bit uncomfortable.
Mark and I sat down next to an AC unit as it was humid outside. We started zoning out to our own little world and for a bit, things got better. I felt positive and we laughed at random events for no reason other than the presence of the chemical in our systems.
Over the course of the next 30 minutes, the effects began to intensify. Everything in the room took on a kind of plastic visual effect, objects began to grow or shrink in size randomly and the body sensation was becoming very noticeable, sort of as if we had been under water or floating in space.
Looking at any surface, such as a wall, floor or coffee table, I noticed that very intricate, animated, evolving, multifaceted and multicolored fractal patterns would form upon any surface that I looked at for more than a moment. Mark confirmed he was experiencing the same phenomena which was a common experience with LSD for the both of us with prior experiences as well.
For a while, this entertained us enough, we had entered the magical realm once again, crossed the gate into the unknown and for a bit, it was exciting and positive as usual. After about 20 minutes however, the air seemed to become thick, as if it was a viscus fluid, like jello. Both Mark and I attempted to hold on to positivity, but it waned, leading eventually to an uncomfortable sense of overbearing perception alteration that made us both feel uneasy.
Mark looked over to me and tried to explain that the sound of the fan behind us was creating a visual hallucination of his tongue cutting him half and asked if I was experiencing the same thing. At this point, I was having trouble understanding his words, but we were at the beginning of a process where we would be speaking telepathically. While I did not understand what he was saying, nor was I feeling what he was, I could understand on a level beyond normal communication and shook my head “no” to his question.
Suddenly, My friends friend put on some death metal and raised the volume rather high. This was not the kind of music I would ever choose to listen to while on a psychedelic substance, particularly when the experience had already become difficult, bordering on the negative.
Both Mark and I did our best to be cool about it, but within a minute or so, it had become to intense. We then decided despite the fact it looked like it was about to rain, we would go hang out on the small back porch overlooking my friends yard. Walking past the computer where the music was coming from I watched the screen morph from the normal desktop image to that of Christ bleeding upon the cross in front of a legion of demons chanting while holding pitchforks and torches.
This was an omen of the kind of things to come and it set me on a downward spiral that despite my best efforts, I could not resist.
Once we got outside onto the porch, there was some relief as the music was mostly muted once the door closed behind us. The Porch was very small but psychos-piritually comfortable compared to the inside of the apartment, at least at first.
Leaning on the edge of the porch railing, I looked into the backyard. It was August and all the trees were full of green leaves. There was also large spiraling vines and other forms of vegetation throughout the yard. Each and every leaf of each and every plant suddenly manifested an eye upon it, closed at first and then in unison, opening, the pupils of each eye following me and my movements.
I thought this somewhat cool at first, but quickly, this became unnerving so I decided to sit down on the deck and just stare at the floor boards. Once again, there was amazingly complex, moving, animated fractal patterns upon the floorboards. Watching them for an indeterminate amount of time, I started to notice a strange phenomena. The pattern would move and evolve, changing shapes and colors and eventually, a line would appear down the center of my vision and the two half’s of my view would split apart like a door.
When this occurred, a deeper, richer, more complicated more mechanical pattern would reveal itself until again, my vision would split in two and the process would repeat. This was pretty cool at first, but after a while, the patterns became so advanced and so complex, that I was quite sure I was looking into higher dimensional reality. The patterns became so intense that they were frightening in and of themselves for I had never seen anything like that before, even having experienced similar effects in previous trips. It was becoming borderline nauseating.
I became seasick and got the very distinct feeling I was witnessing processes of nature and the universe that quite frankly, I was not meant to see. Looking over to Mark I noticed he was sitting cross-legged with his face in his palms.
I watched as what appeared to be his soul, a light, ghost like and translucent copy of himself move out of his body, and make the motions of lighting and smoking a cigarette. “I feel like I am smoking a cigarette” he said in a monotone, borderline sad sounding voice. All I could do was nod and mumble uh-huh.
Getting up and leaning over the edge of the deck again, I realized that no matter how hard I tried to force normality, I was surrounded by profound visual, psychological and emotional hallucinations all of which possessed the same qualities of the fractal patterns that now covered virtually every surface of everything around me.
I was beginning to feel ” the fear”deeply and had a notion repeating inside my head that suggested we went toying in gods tool shed and now some of the equipment was out of control…
Walking to the far side of the porch, I looked closely at a tree branch. At that moment, across my field of vision I began to see what looked like a mathematical equation in cursive writing, expanding from left to right written in what appeared to be gold ink and blood. I also noticed that as the equation moved forward, a golden outline of a shape was forming near the tip of the tree branch.
Eventually I realized the formation was a leaf and the equation being written across my field of vision was the mathematical expression of the geometric qualities of the leaf.
As I looked on in awe, jaw slack, I watched as the leaf eventually was completed when the equation was finished being written. I reached out and plucked the now fully formed leaf from the tree, where moments ago, there was none.
I was completely and utterly dumbfounded, letting the leaf fall from my hands to the ground two floors below.
It was at this point I closed my eyes and very vividly saw a visual manifestation of a spirit that had now made itself known. The image the spirit chose to manifest as in my minds eye was something akin to one of the spiderman comic’s symbiotes. It looked a bit like carnage however, it had a darker more black color to it. It’s head was skull like with large sharp teeth similar to that of the mortal kombat character “baraka”. It wore a jesters hat that was made of same flesh of it’s body and it held a staff with an object like a stone or black crystal upon it’s top.
This entity explained through telepathy that is was in fact foreign from my own imagination and that it was going to toy with Mark and I for venturing too far into places of which we should not have never explored in the first place.
I opened my eyes and felt a fear so great and so deep, I thought I might die from panic. Looking at Mark who was sitting directly across from me, I tried to speak, but could not. Looking at Mark’s face I noticed my face was on his body. Looking back at me Mark, now wide eyed, said “dude, you have my face…”
In terror, I closed my eyes and begged God to send help. I am not sure exactly how long it was or what exactly I asked for in that prayer of desperation but suddenly, I opened my eyes and looked at Mark. Looking back at me Mark’s eyes widened and he asked me, “do you feel that?” Before I could answer yes, we both felt something physically grab us by the collar of our shirts and yank hard, pulling us up to standing position.
I looked down at my hands, and then around the porch and back yard. Oh my god, Mark… I am not tripping anymore, I exclaimed! Yeah man, neither am I, he responded equally shocked as I was. Just then, I turned and looked into the forest and I felt a spirit of light, something that was the antithesis of the energy I felt from the symbiote. It spoke directly into my soul and I was instructed to speak.
It’s going to come back, I said. What is, asked Mark? I spoke saying (this is paraphrased from memory) “although I can assure you that you will make it through this, because of your decisions, you will now have to deal with the full consequences of the situation you have created for yourselves but know this, you shall be protected.
Suddenly, the trip returned like a black, polluted tidal wave of water rushing over the edge of a seawall, swallowing our minds whole once again. Having momentarily been freed from this hell and then being plunged back into it was agonizing and produced a kind of fear, sadness and terror I have never experienced before.
That being said, I remembered what the spirit of light had said and for the next twenty hours or so, I focused on those words like a mantra when I began to feel the pull of insanity and death become too much to handle.
I knew that we had to get out of this apartment and go somewhere else. I did not know where but I knew that we had to go. I expressed this idea to Mark and we opened the door and reentered the apartment to make our way to the front entrance and leave the building.
I am not sure what Jeffery and his friends thought, but I am sure they had been aware we were in a strange place as we bolted through the apartment, mumbling an incoherent goodbye and waving while running fast as we could to avoid the audio onslaught of now even louder death metal, screaming from the speakers and causing visions of death, gore and nashing teeth.
Once outside, it began to rain harder, but we had absolutely no intention of returning to the place we had just left. Continuing to run, I almost ran into a very large old oak tree in the front yard. Looking up, I was knocked off my feet by the presence of what I assumed must be the spirit of the tree.
The bark of the tree writhed like rotting reptile skin laid over a swarm of Japanese hornets, the energy from the tree felt like an electric wall, pushing me back, demanding that I stay away from it. Mark helped me up to my feet and we stumbled away from the tree onto the sidewalk heading towards main street.
Once we had gotten onto main street, we began to walk aimlessly in the rain trying to figure out where to go. The cars driving by us seemed to move both fast and slow, generating the illusion that the traffic on both sides of the road was the movement of two giant snakes or serpents of some kind. Suddenly a car drove by and someone yelled at us. While it was likely just a friend of ours being jovial and playing around, to us the person looked like a demon made of liquid silver, something akin to the T1000 of the terminator films. The yell sounding like that of a great beast, the demons mouth opening wide exposing metallic teeth and fire red eyes.
Do you know who that was asked Mark, as best as he could manage? I shook my head no. Continuing to walk, both mark and I tried to focus our minds to speak intelligibly so as to understand each other and decide on a place to go.
Want to go your house, I asked? No, it’s too far and my parents might know there is something wrong with us, replied Mark. Want to go Mike’s house, countered Mark? No, I don’t think I can be around Mike right now, I answered. Why, asked Mark? Because we are tripping, I replied. We are, asked Mark? Yes, I answered. Why are we tripping asked, Mark? Because we took LSD, I answered. Why did we take LSD, asked Mark? Because we wanted to trip, I answered. Why did we want to do that, asked Mark? I don’t know, I said confused.
We had this conversation over and over and over again, trapping ourselves in what I refer to as a thought-loop, a common pitfall of a bad psychedelic experience. While this happened for the next several hours with no way for us to escape, I could hear the symbiote laughing at us.
We ended up behind the local senior center which was closed for the day. We sat on a concrete stair case in the back while rain poured down upon us. We were too spun to be in public and risk having to talk to people and at this point, Mark and I spoke almost exclusively through telepathy.
At one point, Mark had an OBE and when he came back, he started spurting on about breaking into someones house. I assured him, we had not gone anywhere since we had sat down behind the senior center. Looking down at my arm, I saw a wound appear, out of which a spider crawled. Moving across my arm, the arachnid slipped into a another wound that formed near my wrist and then both hallucinatory injuries vanished.
After hours of strange phenomena, hallucinations and prayer for the experience to stop, the drug began to slowly wear off. We made out way back to my friends house where only my buddy was to be found as his other friends had left.
For the next I am not sure how many hours, we watched a documentary on 1800’s New England until we were “sober” enough to make it back to my parents house. By the time we had reached my street it was just about nightfall. My road had a canopy of trees on both sides which created a kind of tunnel of trees so it was quite dark once we entered the natural cave of trees.
As we walked up the hill, lighting bugs began to pulse in the brush and tree growth by the thousands. Seemingly in unison, the bugs bottoms would illuminate and when they did, we would mutually hallucinate tiny bolts of golden lightning emanating from the bugs and spiral up or down the trees near by.
Once we had gotten home, Mark and I collapsed on the floor of the in-law apartment attached to my house where my grandfather used to live when he was still alive. Over the next twelve hours or so, the experience lessened in intensity and while we did not sleep, we had both been grateful that the trip was coming to an end.
The following day, I went to work at my summer job cleaning school buses for the DPW. I eventually left saying I was sick, returning home and sleeping for the next sixteen hours or so…
It was about fourteen years later when I came across a video of Alan Moore discussing his decision to become a magician and a subsequent experience with the demon Asmodeus that I came to the conclusion that the spirit I had encountered on that fateful day was in fact, also, Asmodeus…
Eventually, I was able to confirm through an evocation of Raphael via Rufus Opus’s Modern Angelic Grimoire that not only was it Asmodeus that I had inadvertently come across, but it was also Raphael himself who tended to us after I had cried out to the creator for help.
To this day, this experience is the single most intense spiritual experience of my life and although it was truly horrific, truly terrifying and quite possibly could have been deadly…
That was the day I became “invisible” (as Gordon would put it). That was the day I became initiated and that experience largely serves as a kind of foundation for my spiritual beliefs and magical practice today.
Now, while I cannot condone the use of illegal substances, nor would I ever suggest anyone try these things which I have experimented with in the story above, I cannot deny that for me personally, they catalyzed the most profound and life altering journey of initiation.
And for that, I am truly grateful…